Recently, I have become more aware of exactly how I have been living my life - for me. I see how I struggle with feeling like I need to have control. I see how the focus of most of my waking hours are spent on me. I see how I have inadvertently told God I didn't need Him...how I know my needs better than He does. How my heart breaks at this revelation. I am filled with shame at my own selfishness. How could I have so easily fallen into the very self-centeredness that I have seen so easily in others across the nation? I am humbled by this realization.
So what was my response to this terrifying revelation? Thankfully, it was the right one: surrender. Last night as I prayed, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I am so thankful that God's Holy Spirit has been pricking my heart and revealing this heart disorder to me. It would have been so easy to keep on the track I had laid for myself - so easy to keep both hands on the reign, out of God's hands. This was my prayer (and continues to be my prayer daily): "Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for thinking I could do a better job at directing my life. Forgive me for my selfishness and false security in self. Please take all of me each and every day. I surrender all that I am to You. I relinquish my hopes and dreams to You. I ask that You would take all of my dreams and that You would make Your dreams for my life come true. Please, Lord...take all of me. Mold me and shape me into the woman You created me to be. And keep me from evil, for Your name's sake. Protect me from the evil one and the sin of selfishness. Let my life be a testimony onto You - a life that brings You honor and glory and praise."
And today, reading II Corinthians 5, all of what I have been discovering became even more clear. Verse 15 stood out to me in particular: "and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." Live no longer for themselves...wow. What a strong statement, and how appropriate that I read this today.
In today's world, particularly here in America, the life of selfishness consumes the people. Americans, in general, are extremely "self-centered" and the concept of sacrifice is almost entirely foreign. Why concern ourselves with another when there is so much more to do for ourselves and so many more ways to make our own lives more comfortable? Heaven forbid we consider others better than ourselves! Goodness, considering others is often a difficult enough task. It is quite easy to see the selfishness of our nation, but isn't it interesting that by pointing a finger and "excluding me", we are showing just how self-centered we actually are? Not to mention that when pointing a finger at others, we are, at the same time, pointing at least three fingers back at ourselves. Hmmmm.... If I take a step back and assess the situation, it is myself I see staring at me in the mirror.
As I consider how I have been living my life, I am painfully aware of how guilty I am in living for myself. Almost all of everyday my thoughts can be traced and found to be "me-centered". How often do I use the words "I" and "me" on a daily basis? I am reminded of a scene from the movie Princess Diaries. Towards the end of the movie, Mia gives a speech in which she makes the choice to lay self aside and put others first. Here is part of the script:
Mia: And then I realized how many stupid times a day I used the word "I". In fact, probably all I ever do is think about myself. And how lame is that when there's, like, 7 billion other people out there on the planet and when --
Queen Renaldi: [casts a disapproving glance and clears her throat]
Mia: Ooohhh. Sorry, sorry. I'm going too fast. But then I thought, if I cared about the other 7 billion out there instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time. See, if I were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of people smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning when I woke up I was Mia Thermopolis. But, now, I choose to be forevermore, Amelia Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi: Princess of Genovia.
How much more should we, as Christians, be relinquishing self and living for the One who died to give us life? We must put off the old man so that we can live as a new man in Christ, as God's ambassadors. The time has come to take a stand. A stand for righteousness. Let us no longer live for ourselves! Let us live for God! Let us surrender all that we are to our Maker.
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